Another Creative Project?

Dear Reader

News: Following on from An Addict in the Family!

If you’ve read my memoir you will know how traumatic this experience was for me – not to mention other members of my family. I’ve been sharing my story with lots of people who have similar stories and it’s clear that there are a lot of people still trying to pick up the pieces of their lives long after the initial awareness of the addiction of their loved ones has passed.

I’ve been playing around with a concept of creating a virtual space where we can talk and help each other overcome the pain of those times and achieve a life, the old one or something entirely new, building on common experiences.

Developing this concept will take some time. And resources. My long term intent is that this will become a charity. That’s how strongly I feel the need for this type of space is. More of this aspect to come in the future. Watch this space.

One of the most helpful things my journey has given me is the play on the “C” words – Self CARE is one of them and I’ve focused on that in past newsletters.

I’ve been writing about my C List (not an A List or a B list!) and have decided to provide a link to this new document on my website. I’ll let you know when it’s up. And I’ll send you a copy of it in a future email. If you like it, I’d appreciate it if you share the website link to your friends. In my humble opinion, it is a list of words to find comfort and strength in any of life’s trials.

A “C List” Example

I have about 12 “C” Words in my list. I’ll share them over the next few months, in no particular order of importance. These will form part of that document I refer to above. The first “C Word” is:

Connection

– With Others

When we think of Connection we often think first of that which binds us to one another. We may share a love of dancing, or hiking, or some other physical activity. Family can be another bond – blood is thicker than water type of thinking. Some bonds go back years. Some bonds are forged through shared trials. Bonds have been created with those of the Whanau Group I still attend – our common trial comes through our experiences through our loved one who suffers with addictions. Our connections deepen through our willingness to be honest and vulnrable, sharing our deepest feelings and fears, even owning up to our shortcomings in the way we may have dealt with our loved one’s behaviour.

Connections can arise unexpectedly. I recently felt a connection with a woman on line – I loved her honesty (interesting that it shone through in her comments!) and her authenticity. I was thrilled when she responded to my request to connect outside the forum we ‘met’ on. Now I see we have common interests and values. Whatever our connection, it’s only relevant if we nurture those connections through our actions and communication. Look what I would have missed out on had I let my fear of being rejected stop me from reaching out to her.

Deep connections are those that last. Like me you may have several friends you don’t see very often. I’m always amazed, and grateful, to see how readily we ‘pick up where we left off’, even after months or years of no contact. Newer connections can run deep as well.

It’s wise to be prudent in choosing who we connect with. Undoubtedly, we can all think of unwise choices we, or loved ones, have made in who we’ve chosen to connect with.

This said, it’s important to acknowledge we can’t force a connection., regardless of the common bond. If our desire for connection is not mutual, it’s best to let it go. Of course this can be hard to take, especially if the person is, or has been, close to us. One day, that person we felt an unreciprocated connection with may come back into our circle of their own choice. In the meantime, we can cherish connections that bring joy to our lives, and appreciate the uniqueness of each bond.

– With Ourselves

There’s another Connection we don’t always acknowledge. I used to bemoan the fact that I couldn’t see myself clearly. I could look in the mirror but that wasn’t ‘all’ of me. It was the physical me, but not what made me tick. “I can’t see around corners!” was my cry.

I saw myself mirrored in another’s eyes – their happiness to see me or their hesitation and wariness around me. But what was it about me that caused those reactions? I didn’t know.

Then I heard someone talk about ‘connecting with yourself’. It opened the door to seeing myself more clearly. Deep soul searching followed. Lots of conversations with those open to being honest with me. That wariness I noticed bothered me. My self image was of a kind and generous soul. I was shocked to hear that I was perceived by some as being overly brave, of having a sharp tongue and not being afraid to speak my mind. Apparently, one never knew when I might turn on them.

One event called to mind happened a long time ago. A group of parents and teachers were gathered to discuss the end of year party for our kindergarten aged children. The discussion was heading towards not having the party at the school because alcohol couldn’t be served there. The consensus was that the fathers would not come if they were deprived of their alcohol. I waited for the voices to counter this argument. None came. So I stood up and put forward my view and ended with. “If alcohol is served at the children’s party, my child and our family won’t be coming.” Clear and direct. No holds barred, no room for compromise. And this is what some folk saw in me that made them sometimes wary around me. (By the way, the party was held at the school, no alcohol was served, and the fathers came!)

So although I liked some things I heard about myself, some things I did not. It’s still that way! I’ve modified my delivery, but not my values. And I still ‘enjoy’ learning about me – I want to be the best version of me I can be – and I place a high importance on developing a connection deep enough with myself to know what that authentic version of me is.

In thinking about connecting with myself, I want to know who I am, what I like, what I enjoy, what my boundaries are, what my values are. Having this type of connection determines who I take into my confidence, who I dare be vulnerable with, who I let my guard down with.

– Putting it together

Over the past few years, it’s connection with myself that has been the one I’ve protected the most. I’m not afraid to speak my mind. And I realise I’m not ashamed of or for my son. Quite the contrary. Although he has cut his connection with me, not a day goes by that I don’t think of him and send him my love from my heart.

Now I often think about these two concepts, Connection with others and Connection with self in tandem. I can accept that unless my son wants a connection with me I can’t fulfil my desire for connection with him. However, because I am now more connected with myself, who I am, what my needs and wishes are, what I have to offer and where I am happy to share my resources, I am confident that the door to my heart will always be open to receive him should the desire for connection with me ever rekindle in him.

In embracing the multifaceted nature of connection, I’ve learned that it’s a delicate dance between nurturing bonds with others and forging an unbreakable connection with myself. Through this journey, I’ve come to understand that the desire for connection can’t be forced; it must flow naturally, be reciprocated and genuine. While my heart remains open to rekindling any lost connections, I also celebrate the uniqueness of each bond that currently brings joy and meaning to my life. Ultimately, it’s the intertwining of these two connections – with others and with oneself – that defines our journey and shapes our most authentic selves.

A final thought and request

Have you read An Addict in the Family? If you have, would you please consider leaving an honest review? Reviews help others decide if the book is for them before they decide to purchase.

As I say below, it’s true – reviews are invaluable. They are the life-blood for authors. Your review on Amazon, Goodreads, Google Play Books are all welcome.

Some of you have expressed the desire for anonymity – your response to the book is too personal to share publicly. If this is you, I invite you to reply to this email and share your thoughts with me. With your permission I will publish your review, or part of your review, on my website with only your initials. Your identity will be safeguarded.

My heartfelt thanks to you.

Reviews are invaluable to authors

especially on Amazon and Goodreads