An Update
and a favourite
“C” Word

Dear Reader

An Update on our Writer’s Chat

Thank you to those who sent their well wishes and thank you to those who could come to Waitakaruru and join Phoebe and me in our Writer’s Chat event. It was a perfect day for doing two of our favourite things: people watching and sharing what we love.

When Neil and I garden in the rock garden at the Park we get a sense of the variety of the visitors’ backgrounds and family compositions. Last week the variety was more pronounced. There were visitors from Brazil, Spain, and Sri Lanka, and various places around New Zealand as well as locally. There were families of three generations, families with young children, and couples. Just watching and absorbing the atmosphere was exhilerating. When we had the opportunity to chat it was interesting to learn more about where people are from and how they hear about the Park.

I believe we all have at least one story in us. I wish I could plant confidence into the hearts of those who know they have a story to tell. I’m not going to sugar coat the writing experience. It’s hard to get going. It’s hard to keep going. It’s hard to get up at 5 am and write – or whatever time you commit to. But knowing it’s hard makes it easier in a way.

Don’t expect it to flow perfectly. My latest project is nearly 10,000 words in and I’ve just realised I’ve got the structure all wrong. Am I giving up? No. I’m going back to the beginning and restructuring, saving what I can, and rewriting. It’s part of the process of being a writer. And I am a writer.

That’s the thing we don’t get when we first think we’d like to write. We think we should be able to sit and the words will flow onto the page. Well, it works like that if we sit and write. But the quality of the words often disappoints us. So, what to do? Keep writing. Keep writing until you come to the end of the piece. Then the fun part begins. The end is rarely, if ever, a polished piece.

Polishing requires editing. It requires cutting out precious words and phrases. Editing is like spring cleaning. You find things you don’t need anymore and you dispose of them. You rearrange cupboards, whole rooms. And after a while you are satisfied you’ve done enough and it’s good. Writing is like that. It looks chaotic, is chaotic at times, but order does come too. Words and concepts are the things we might dispose of. Chapters are our cupboards. Sections of our book are our rooms. We write and we rearrange and we cut out whole bits – and then it’s done and we can be pleased with a job well done!

And then we share with others for feedback and more polishing is required.

Phoebe and I had the opportunity to talk with one aspiring writer whose book I want to read! He has a story that must be told: How the Waitakaruru Sculpture Park and Arboretum came to be. We gave him some ideas for a starting point for his story, for a structure for the book, and how to get started with the writing.

When I come to garden this weekend he knows I’ll ask how his writing is getting along. He’ll probably avoid me – I know it’s the thing we writers hate the most: being asked “How’s the writing going?” But it’s the question we need to hear to keep us accountable. He might not have written one word and feel he’s failed or disappointed me. It might feel to him like he’s procrastinating. But I’ll tell him he’s not. While he’s not writing, he’ll be thinking, dreaming, and talking about his topic. That’s all part of being productive in our writing.

So was our Writer’s Chat successful? That’s a resounding “Yes!” Phoebe sold some of her books. I sold none. Still I call the Writer’s Chat a success. We got to meet some wonderful people. We shared our story and our craft with them. And Phoebe and I were able to spend quality time together in one of the most beautiful places in the Waikato. And – as a bonus, I had an opportunity to practise for my next event (see the bottom of this newsletter for date and venue).

“C” Word – Consideration

Today, I wanted to focus my “C” Word discussion on “Kindness”. Attributes of kindness have been running through my head lately. I agree with the many commentators who speak of kindness as being an important quality in any and all human interactions from the family to community.

But I struggled with the ethics of passing Kindness off as a C word. Would it work if I phrased it as a “C-sounding” word? I decided No, my integrity about bringing you a range of “C” words would be compromised, at least in my own mind, if I did.

So I looked around for some “C” words that are synonyms of, or closely related to, kindness. Some of these are on my list for a future discussion in their own right: Compassion, Caring, and Charity, to name a few.

A word I like that aligns to the concept of kindness is Consideration. So I decided that “consideration” would be my “C” Word for today.

Consideration involves thoughtfulness and a genuine concern for others. I have tons of stories of how someone has shown such thoughtfulness towards me. One in particular springs to mind.

On my first solo trip to the USA back in the early 2000s I was struggling up a steep flight of steps from the subway with my suitcase when suddenly it was taken from me by a young man who carried it all the way to the top. I thought he was a porter, or employed by the railway. I tried to show my gratitude for his help with a tip. I still remember the warmth of his smile as he refused and told me it was his pleasure to help. And he went on his way.

Then there’s the young mother near me who gently admonishes her toddler to ‘Be gentle’ when the little one exuberantly hugs the kitten. She is teaching the quality of consideration for those who depend on us to be kind.

There’s the teacher we see on our walks who patiently helps the students holding the crossing flags learn how to keep those dependent on their skill safe. He is teaching them to be considerate for both those wanting to cross (so they don’t have to wait too long) and the drivers approaching the crossing (so they have plenty of warning to stop).

Consideration is at the root of the custom of giving one’s seat on public transport to another and stems from a genuine concern for the well-being of others.

Like kindness, acts of consideration have a ripple effect. When someone experiences another’s consideration of them, they are more likely to pass it on to others, creating a positive chain reaction.

This reminds me of our discussion of oxytocin from a few newsletters ago. Acts of kindness release feel-good hormones (like oxytocin) and contribute to a sense of purpose and fulfillment. Both the giver and receiver of considerate and kind acts experience improved mental and emotional well-being.

Kindness and consideration both involve thoughtfulness in one’s actions. When you are considerate, you take the time to think about the impact of your words and deeds on others. Kindness often follows when those considerations lead to actions that benefit or uplift others.

I see this every day at our local supermarket where the ‘trolley boys’ help load groceries, or wait for pedestrians to pass before moving their line of trolleys, or help someone take a stuck trolley from the stack. Invariably they are rewarded with grateful smiles that warm my heart and I’m sure warms the trolley boys’ hearts as well.

And my own acts of kindness stem from my gratitude when someone lets me into the queue while driving. I’ve honestly found through reciprocating when I get the opportunity that I’m never disadvantaged. Invariably at least one person ahead of me, and sometimes two, turn off at the next intersection, leaving me no further behind than I was before I let someone in in front of me. This “evidence” leads me to claim that I will never be left wanting for anything by being kind and considerate, no matter the perceived cost, whether in monetary or time terms.

In essence, consideration can be seen as the precursor to kindness. Consideration involves conscious thought and awareness of others; kindness is the action that stems from that consideration. Fostered together, they create a harmonious approach to life and define the way we contribute to our personal and societal relationships.

My wish is that I can always understand and empathise with both the struggles and joys of those around me and make a positive and longlasting contribution to the ripple effect of consideration and kindness in their lives.

Another Event
​
Ages of Pages
27th April 2024
Claudelands Event Centre
Hamilton, NZ

This is an amazing event that I’m thrilled to participate in this year. I’ll be sharing a table with Pat Backley, who’s books I adore.

The event is billed as: a book event where readers can meet over 70 authors, buy books, and have them signed in person. Multiple genres, from NZ and Australian authors. All ages welcome. Free entry.

Facebook page for the event is: https://www.facebook.com/groups/agesofpagesfans​

My thought for Living Life in 2024 and beyond:

“Write it on my heart that every day is
the best day of the year”
​Ralph Waldo Emerson

Read past Newsletters and, if you enjoy them,

please share with your friends and encourage them to subscribe
through my website:

http://www.StephanieHammondAuthor.com

Join my Reader’s Group on Facebook.​

FOLLOW ME Like, post and comment at any of
the links below.

​

Welcome to 2024
Family time
and another “C” Word

Dear Reader

A New Year is here!

Have you made a New Year’s Resolution? Personally, I don’t do that. At least not as I used to. In the past, I’d review the year that’s gone and decide where I wanted to put my first lot of energy. Invariably, my new resolutions would be the same as the year before – and the guilts would come flooding in. I don’t do that to myself anymore.

Similarly, I don’t write a summary of all the happenings in the year anymore. If I did, I’d be putting in the ‘big’ things – the trips and the visitors and the anniversary celebrations. But what about the little things that mean just as much but don’t get talked about in the same way. Like catching a glimpse of pink as I enter the gym and know it’s my friend on the treadmill. My heart warms to think we’ll catch up soon at the cafe. And that thought is with me as I enter the gym studio and see places reserved with weights or a drink bottle or I see someone else warming up on the floor – and I feel at home. This is my tribe. My friends who laugh and chat as we workout to the music and direction of our instructor. The warmth is matched by the sun shining and the view of the park outside our window. And then we adjourn to the cafe.

And afterwards we walk home and whatever the weather my heart lifts as we walk down the right of way to our place. The little ones across from us might be out and we wave to each other. Next door, the couple are tending the young native plants they are raising. From another neighbour we hear the happy sounds of children playing in the pool. And yet another little one happily playing outside. We come inside and my heart swells again in gratitude to the land agent who found us this house and for the peace we’ve created here.

And this is a ‘record’ of a few hours, in one day, repeated several times through the year. And there are many other “few hour slots” that also bring me joy. How can I share all this in a yearly record of my doings? Nor the countless other joy-making moments.

So for me, there’s no actual New Year’s Resolutions. No Annual News Report to friends and family. There’s just the quiet commitment to continue doing more. To continue finding joy in every day.

Family Time

My second daughter, Phoebe, and hubby, Eoghan, are here with us from Ireland (via a visit to their children in Australia).

We’ve been having a lovely time catching up on how good it feels to sit together, to give each other a hug, to reminisce about the past, to talk about our writing. Phoebe and I talk nearly every week for a couple of hours. When I left Australia in 1978, the only communication I had with my family was through letters. So I’m grateful for the technology that gives us this form of keeping close.

I’m glad it’s summer too. We’ve enjoyed some typical New Zealand summer activities, like paddling in the sea at the beach at Raglan, and visiting the world renowned Hamilton Gardens. Eoghan’s been able to enjoy exploring the surrounds by bike.

Their time with us is at the halfway mark. Today, as you receive this newsletter, we are going to Rotorua. Later this week, Phoebe and Eoghan will spend a couple of nights at Waitakaruru in their cottage overlooking the lake. On Saturday I’ll join them and while Neil does our fortnightly volunteering, Phoebe and I will be in the cafe, sharing our writing experience with all who come to visit the Park.

Other things we do while they are with us will stay in my memory. But most memorable will be those times Phoebe and I sit talking, planning and scoping our projects, enjoying the time we have to bounce ideas and sit and reflect and then bring up the topic again an hour or so later – things that are harder to do in our weekly video calls.

First “C” Word for 2024

I want to begin the year with a C word that I’ve had cause to review over the last few years – Cause.

I’ve learned over my life that we are very similar, you and I. So I’m going to be bold and assume you also have times in your life when things haven’t gone the way ‘they should’. You might also have felt that you were the cause of whatever didn’t go the way someone, or you, thought it was going to turn out. I’m great at self-blame. I search for what I did, what I didn’t do, what I should have forseen. I put myself at the centre of the cause, and therefore the effects.

Truly, life is an intricate dance of causes and effects – like a mesmerising ballet. We can cause positive change through our actions and choices, and that’s pretty cool. Yet, in my experience, these examples are often overshadowed by what we deem negative outcomes.

The hardest of these events is when our actions appear to have negative effects on others – on friends, family, our children. We often forget the reality. Sometimes, we’re just actors on a stage, playing our part and letting the plot unfold. We forget we can’t change how others respond to us or predict every twist in our storyline.

Others are on that stage too, and we don’t always know what their part is, or how they are playing that part. We certainly can’t determine how they react to our actions. Nor should we put ourselves in the role of a mind reader and try to ‘know’ what they are feeling or even needing from us.

Looking back on the time I wrote about in my Memoir, I can see that one of the most distressing things for me was the self recrimination. I was plagued with: “I should have known;” “I should have done …” and “What if I’d done something different then?” Those types of thoughts and statements are not unique to me, even though the event that stimulates these thoughts can be vastly different.

I’ve learned that I’m not the cause of the events I’ve written about in my Memoir. I have no control over how another responds to their life’s challenges. I can be there, offer support, be kind and loving. Neither is it my place to direct another’s course, and when I’ve offered advice and love to another, it is up to them, not me, to accept or reject what is offered. It is up to them, not me, to weather the storms life brings their way. As it is up to me to do the same for myself. I am not at the centre of another’s life. Not at all.

13th January 2024 is upon us

​

This coming Saturday, 13 January 2024, at The Sculpture Park at Waitakaruru Arboretum 207 Scotsman Valley Road, Tauwhare, between 10 am and noon the Writer’s Chat event will be held in the cafe area shown in the photo. I’ll be joined by fellow author Phoebe Wilby, my daughter visiting from Ireland.

We’ll have our books for sale or to order. It’ll be fun to see you and your friends and family there.

For those who are close by, Phoebe and I hope you join us – and that you enjoy the park at the same time!

My thought for Living Life in 2024 and beyond:

“Write it on my heart that every day is the best day of the year” Ralph Waldo Emerson

(I haven’t found a thought as meaningful to me as this one, yet!)

Read past Newsletters and, if you enjoy them,

please share with your friends and encourage them to subscribe.

And check out my website:

http://www.StephanieHammondAuthor.com

FOLLOW ME Like, post and comment at any of

the links below. Join my Reader’s Group on Facebook.​

​

Thank you!
a new baby,
Seasons Greetings,&
a final “C” Word

Dear Reader

A Heartfelt Thankyou

One of the hardest things with a newsletter is knowing whether it is read. Well, I do know that of course. My convertkit.com account shows how many opens there are and if I can be bothered, exactly who opened them! Cheeky! So what I really mean is it’s hard knowing whether you enjoy what I write. Is this resonating with you on some level.

I am grateful for your many replies. It’s heartwarming to know you feel a connection to what I write. To be honest, I think of you when I write, picturing we are sitting down for a cosy chat. Imagining like this helps the words flow. Writing can be such a lonely endeavour, sitting at the computer with my fingers flying across the keyboard, trying to put the words scrambling in my mind onto the screen before they disappear. Seeing you in my mind’s eye and chatting with my fingers brings the piece I’m trying to write to life.

So thank you for joining me in the conversation!

Welcome to Vienna Maraea Cowley

I’ve been flummoxed when I count my grand, great grand, and great great grand babies! Finally, when I held Vienna Maraea in my arms on Christmas Eve I realised why I was plagued with this confusion.

Vie is number 52 in that long list of grandchildren. As I held her and looked at her perfect little face, I realised the reason. I’m the link between the past and the future. I’m blessed with being the oldest of five generations and I’m sure that there will be more before I go to meet those who have gone before me.

I rejoice that I am now a great-great-grandmother. I am so grateful this year to have found my great-great-grandmother who is the first person we can identify in my Australian Aboriginal family line.

I’m in the middle of the four generations who have gone before and the four who have come after me.

And I am only one of Mary Ann’s lineage – counting me, through me she has 60 descendants who carry hers and my DNA. I can only hazard a guess at how many others of us there are. A sea of us, some who don’t know Mary Ann, and many who don’t know me.

But in gazing at Vie and holding her sweet soul close I got an insight into where she’d come from, that she carries with her the love and hope of generations past. Named for two very special loving women, and also carrying the hope and joy of Mary Ann in her veins, Vie will always be a reminder to me that there is great love and joy in being part of a large family. Vie’s birth brings the puzzle pieces together, assuring me I am centred in love. I am surrounded by love. I am grateful to belong to this beautiful family.

Season’s Greetings

Here in New Zealand we say (or for me learning to say is more accurate!) Meri Kirihimete (Merry Christmas). It’s become politically incorrect to refer to the Christ of Christmas as many cultures do not acknowledge or celebrate Christmas. So I’ll say Season’s Greetings to us all, whatever our spirituality is, and may we all be kept safe and find peace and joy and love as we take a break from the busy-ness of life.

Last “C” Word for 2023

I want to end the year with a final C word for 2023. And for today I’ve chosen to share my thoughts on Christ as a word, not necessarily the person.

I was taught that Christ is not the person’s name, but a noun describing a particular energy – an energy we can all aspire to emulate.

It’s a particular energy that we think of especially at this time of year when we think of the gifts we will give our loved ones. But it’s also an energy we all exhibit and seek to grow more of all through our lives, and especially at this time of year.

Here in NZ, and you will have experienced this elsewhere I know, we are encouraged to be kind during the pandemic, to think of others during times of disaster like the effects of cyclones, to share our homes and our surplus with those less fortunate. The word is not often said in the media but the intent is to love.

Christ is an energy – feelings of compassion, of love, of serving, of sharing, of laughter, of peace, of neighbourliness, of selflessness. Christ is an energy whereby in giving of ourselves we find more of ourselves for ourselves. Does that sentence even make sense? It does to me!

In pondering great exemplars of this Christ energy, Jesus of course comes to mind, as do many of the great spiritual leaders. Others, like Martin Luther King, Nelson Mandela, Victor Frankl, Mahatma Ghandi, Mother Teresa, and Edith Egar have inspired my to understand what it truly means to love.

Above all, these people are human, like you and me. They have their imperfections too, just as we do. How they inspire me is through their ability to find the will and ability to express love in among all their trials of life.

In the final analysis, it doesn’t matter what word you use if the word you use helps you remember to cultivate loving and kind energy. I grew up with the Christ word. What is your word? And if you’ve felt motivated to learn a little of any of my exemplars of love, who have you chosen? What, if anything, impressed you? I’d love to know.

Final thoughts for 2023

Whatever happens on a global scale, or a national level, or locally – I hope I can keep my thoughts centred on what is of the greatest importance to me. My heart is big enough to wrap you in my love. If I could, I would keep all of you closeby, so we could natter all day! That’s my wish. And, whether you know it or not, that’s my reality. I talk to you all day and maybe all night as well, depending where my dreams take me!

My goals for 2024 include to write more in my projects and to be more active on social media, especially my readers group on facebook. I’ve enjoyed the writing life in 2023. I hope I can take you on more of my journey during 2024.

And hopefully I’ll see some of you at Waitakaruru Sculpture park on 13th January.

Not long now!

​

On Saturday 13 January 2024 at The Sculpture Park at Waitakaruru Arboretum between 10 am and noon the Writer’s Chat event will be held in the cafe area shown in the photo. I’ll be joined by fellow creatives Phoebe Wilby, my daughter visiting from Ireland, and Bella Hessell, my granddaughter from Waiheke Island. Phoebe is also an author and Bella is an artist and illustrator.

Save the date, for those who are close by. Join me, Phoebe and Bella and enjoy the park at the same time (and morning tea!)

My thought for Living Life in 2023 and beyond:

“Write it on my heart that every day is the best day of the year” Ralph Waldo Emerson

I must look for a new, or another, thought next year!

Read past Newsletters and, if you enjoy them,

please share with your friends and encourage them to subscribe.

And check out my website:

http://www.StephanieHammondAuthor.com

FOLLOW ME Like, post and comment at any of

the links below. Join my Reader’s Group on Facebook.​

​

Awards, Friendship, & Resilience after the 2011 Earthquake

Dear Reader

A visit to Christchurch

Award

We had a special reason for visiting Christchurch last week. My husband, Neil, was to receive an award from his peers for his contribution to his profession at a conference. It was wonderful to hear a list of his accomplishments and to see the high esteem his colleagues have for him. Well done, Neil!

Friendship

Christchurch is home to dear friends we haven’t seen since we travelled back to the North Island from our five year stay in Dunedin. The prospect of seeing them again was as strong a motivation for going to Christchurch as was attending the conference dinner to be with Neil as he received his award.

We never tire of catching up with special friends and are always grateful when our schedules match and they have time for us. The years seem to drop away and we slip easily into the old comaraderie, swapping stories and catching up with life. I’m always surprised when the evening comes to an end. Disappointed that the time is so short, but energised and envigorated and comforted to know that this will not be the last time we spend time in their company.

The City

Christchurch has always held a special place in my heart. During my career as a town planner I worked here a little. I stayed in the same motel each time and walked across Hagley Park to the office. I loved those walks and I loved exploring the city.

Sure, the layout of the city, the green spaces, the historic buildings reminiscent of Brittain all had their appeal to my planner mind. But it was more than this that stayed with me and drew me back. The sounds of the birds in the park, muted a little by voices and laughter. The sound of traffic in the distance travelling on the road ringing the Park. The warmth of the sunlight filtering through the trees. And the feeling of freedom as I strode through the park on my way to meeting up with colleagues I’d grown to respect and love. These were some of my memories of Christchurch.

Resilience from Disaster?

Then came the earthquake of 2011. When we came through in 2016, there was still a lot of rubble and disbelief at the carnage.

This visit I was keen to see the progress. There were new buildings I wanted to explore but most of all I was keen to see what progress was happening in Cathedral Square.

Tell me, have you ever been to an area recovering from a ‘natural disaster’? Or a not-so-natural disaster?

There’s an excitement about the centre of Christchurch – an air of anticipation. New buildings, construction sites, people shopping and milling about, locals and tourists, snippets of conversations, notice boards with project information – are all there in and around Cathedral Square. The new library is an impressive building and a hub of learning related activities. I was excited to learn they have a writers’ group that meets regularly.

But for me, and many others too I suspect, it will be when the Chathedral is fully restored that I will know Christchurch has moved on from the earthquake. It’s been 12 years and repairs to the Cathedral are still ongoing. It will be another five years before completion.

My question is, how do we carry on in these situations? An earthquake is such a violent event, physical recovery is measurable. What of the emotional recovery? How do we build a life around the emotional effects of loss and horror? I’ve come to learn that the grief and fear and sense of powerless doesn’t necessarily lessen with time.

Nor do we “get over it” as so many seem to think we must be able to do. What we do instead is build a life that grows bigger over time. A full life that gives us relief, somewhere to go, things to do. A Life that softens the impact of the effects of our dreadful experience.

It is harder to do this when daily you are confronted with physical reminders, like the unfinished reconstruction of such an iconic structure as the Christchurch Cathedral.

A friend shared this image with me from Lois Tonkin’s work on grief.

Christchurch symbolises this process. There’s evidence everywhere that life is growing bigger. Will it ever feel ‘normal’ again? I don’t know. What I do know is people are showing a resilience I don’t think I would have.

I’ve come away from our visit to Christchurch with mixed emotions. I’m grateful for our friends, for recognition of a life of service to his profession, that beauty is being restored to the city. I’m also saddened at the evidence of the pain and grief. My hope is that life grows bigger than the pain. I do realise it’s my own sadness and not necessarily that of Christchurch residents that I feel. And I look forward to seeing how that life has grown on my next visit.

Projects and Progress

My own life has its grief creating events, come to the fore right now, not from the Christchurch visit, but because I have embarked on a new project.

Another memoir is begging to be written. I don’t know if this will be of any interest to anyone, not even my grandchildren who regularly ask me for examples of “what life was like for you back when …”

A memoir is a very intimate thing to write. The thoght of sharing my story is scary. And my current topic is even more scary to write as it encompasses a large part of my life. I’m writing about relationships, mainly the good the bad and the ugly of my several marriages – and of my lives in between. Mainly I’ll be writing the good – because, through it all, I remain positive and hopeful and my adventurous spirit has only thrived. At least, that’s my take on it. Certainly I’ve learned a lot, and it’s that learning I want to uncover and share. After all, we are not so unique that any of us escape pain, or the growth and learnings that come through that pain.

I’m sharing this to be accountable. Now it’s out there I can’t stop until it’s done. Or if I do stop, I’ll have to have a very compelling reason to do so!

Will you hold me accountable? Ask me ‘how’s it going?’ when you see me, or email or post? I hope I can write this memoir in a way that will be meaningful to a reader. I’ll be asking for your help going forward too.

Back to the memoir! See you next fortnight.

Much love

Stephanie

Not long now!

​

On Saturday 13 January 2024 at The Sculpture Park at Waitakaruru Arboretum between 10 am and noon the Writer’s Chat event will be held in the cafe area shown in the photo. I’ll be joined by fellow creatives Phoebe Wilby, my daughter visiting from Ireland, and Bella Hessell, my granddaughter from Waiheke Island. Phoebe is also an author and Bella is an artist and illustrator.

Save the date, for those who are close by. Join me, Phoebe and Bella and enjoy the park at the same time (and morning tea!)

My thought for Living Life in 2023 and beyond:

“Write it on my heart that every day is the best day of the year” Ralph Waldo Emerson

Read past Newsletters and, if you enjoy them,

please share with your friends and encourage them to subscribe.

And check out my website:

http://www.StephanieHammondAuthor.com

FOLLOW ME Like, post and comment at any of

the links below. Join my Reader’s Group on Facebook.​

​

A take on Self Care

& Another “C” word

Dear Reader

A self-care tip from a recent email

I love it when I open an email newsletter I subscribe to and get a shot of inspiration. Deb Yager’s recent email was one of these. She talked about the trap we fall into of being so busy we forget to care for ourselves. She recently moved house and found her stash of canvasses she was ‘one day’ going to use for her creative project.

We need to make room for activities that have nothing to do with our work ventures. This is what she did – she dove head first into a project that had been on her to-do list for a decade. The result is in the image above.

Thank you Deb! You reminded me to feed my soul and get that Family Tree wall sorted! More on that in a future Newsletter.

This week’s “C Word”

Cox

I thought, since it starts with “C”, I’d have a bit of fun with “Cox”, my married name. It’s a name that brings a lot of joy into my life.

Cox is also my sister’s married name. We have fun re-imagining a world where we married brothers or cousins – which of course we didn’t, at least, not so far as we’ve discovered.

C is for Courage

It takes a lot of courage to be married to me. Nuff said!

C is also for cuddles, and it’s nice to cuddle as we fall asleep.

O is for Hugs

I love it that whenever I want a hug – either because I just feel like it, or because something’s happened to make me need one, I know my hubby is always willing.

But O is also for Oxytocin

It’s fun to play around with our last name. But in the middle of it all is another word that is fun to write and think about. It’s also a word that as humans we don’t always experience. And that word is:

Oxytocin?

Often referred to as the “love hormone” or “cuddle hormone,” oxytocin is a remarkable neurochemical that plays a crucial role in human emotions, social bonding, and overall well-being. Oxytocin is produced in the hypothalamus and released by the pituitary gland and is associated with enhancing feelings of pleasure, trust, and social connection.

What are the benefits of Oxytocin? It:

1. Reduces stress and anxiety, leading to an overall sense of calm and well-being, helping us cope better with stressful situations.
2. Has natural pain-relieving properties. It can reduce the perception of pain, making it particularly useful during childbirth. Its analgesic effects may also extend to other forms of physical and emotional pain.
3. Enhances emotional resilience, helping us bounce back from negative experiences and develop a positive outlook on life. This can be especially beneficial for individuals facing challenges or dealing with trauma.
4. Promotes trust and generosity in our interactions with others. Research shows that higher oxytocin levels are associated with increased trust and a willingness to cooperate with others, essential for building and maintaining strong, supportive social networks.

How do we stimulate Oxytocin?

Through physical touch, one of the most effective ways to stimulate oxytocin production. Hugging, kissing, cuddling, and even holding hands with loved ones can lead to oxytocin release. Sexual activity, in particular, is a potent trigger for oxytocin, strengthening the emotional bond between partners.

By engaging in positive social interactions including spending quality time with family and friends, sharing emotional experiences, and engaging in acts of kindness and generosity.

By engaging in activities that promote relaxation and well-being including meditation, deep breathing exercises, and yoga.

Through regular physical exercise. The “runner’s high” experienced during and after exercise is partially attributed to oxytocin. This helps explain the sense of euphoria and well-being that often accompanies physical activity.

These are just a few ways to improve our overall quality of life and strengthen our connections with others through our understanding of the remarkable Oxytocin hormone with its wide range of benefits. See what other ways you can stimulate this love hormone in your life.

finally, X is for Kisses

We have a little ritual: whenever we leave the house without each other we kiss goodbye. It’s lovely to have the reminder of our love on my lips as I go about my day. The kiss goodnight, the kiss good morning, are sweetness itself.

And never lose the wonder

​

Our morning walk last Sunday was divine. We often stop on the walk bridge across the river and admire the view, often facing north. On Sunday, the view south grabbed my attention. Every day the river is different. The water levels, the human life on the water and the paths either side of the river, and the reflections – all add to the most beautiful of views. I’m always inspired, uplifted, and enriched. Sunday was no exception.

Have I mentioned before that this walk bridge started life as a sewage pipe across the river? It fills me with wonder to think that Council’s engineers and recreation people turned a utility structure into such a wonderful community amenity providing safe access from one side of the river to the other.

Known locally as the ‘poo bridge’, it is not the only such structure we cross on our walks. I’ll give you a glimpse of the other two sometime in a future email.

There are wonders all around us, we just have to look for them. Some are the result of a creative use of utilities. Others in nature itself. Still other wonders lie in a glimpse into the human heart.

Enjoy the wonders in your life during the next couple of weeks until we connect again.

Much love

Stephanie

A Friendly Reminder

​

On Saturday 13 January 2024 at The Sculpture Park at Waitakaruru Arboretum between 10 am and noon the Writer’s Chat event will be held in the cafe area shown in the photo. I’ll be joined by fellow creatives Phoebe Wilby, my daughter visiting from Ireland, and Bella Hessell, my granddaughter from Waiheke Island. Phoebe is also an author and Bella is an artist and illustrator.

Save the date, for those who are close by. Join me, Phoebe and Bella and enjoy the park at the same time (and morning tea!)

My thought for Living Life in 2023 and beyond:

“Write it on my heart that every day is the best day of the year”Ralph Waldo Emerson

Read past Newsletters and, if you enjoy them,

please share with your friends and encourage them to subscribe.

And check out my website:

http://www.StephanieHammondAuthor.com

FOLLOW ME Like, post and comment at any of

the links below. Join my Reader’s Group on Facebook.​

​

Joy of Walking

and Another “C” word

Dear Reader

An Unexpected Walk – and Talk

Neil and I walk nearly every day the weather allows. We spied this lovely spider web on one of our walks along the river.

And twice a week we attend a class at our local gym (four minutes walk from home). Last week there was no doubt that the winter has gone and Sally, our instructor, was full of joy for the signs that summer is here at last. She ended the formal part of our class 10 minutes early and we set off for a brisk walk around the edge of the park and back to the gym.

It was an opportunity to talk to each other in a way we might not have had the chance to before. We found out travel plans, health concerns, leisure plans for the weekend and all in all it was a lovely opportunity for connection (ooh! Another “C” word!!)

I recently came across this aricle from the Guardian. It’s a great read but if you don’t have time to read it all – the bottom line is: walking with others is a great way to open up to another about what is going on in your life. A moment of intimacy, of sharing, of being vulnerable – and ultimately of enriching your life and, maybe as the author’s mother said, to: “feel free again.”

This week’s “C Word”

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Consequences

Recently I had a conversation about possible catalysts for addiction. I’ve long attributed unresolved trauma as a major basis of addictions. Another person suggested it was a result of not learning to take responsibility for things they were doing in their life.

I started ruminating on the process of how we learn, and teach, the natural consequences of our actions.

The formative years

From the time we are young we are warned of negative consequences. For example, “Don’t touch the heater, it’s hot and you’ll get burned.” If we do touch a hot surface, we quickly learn the consequences.

As we grow, understanding the fundamental concept of cause and effect is at the core of our journey towards recognising consequences. During our preteen and teen years we hopefully start to connect the dots between our behaviours and potential outcomes. We learn that our choices have a direct impact on the world around us, affecting not only ourselves but also our family and friends. This growing comprehension of cause and effect is essential to our intuitive and emotional development, empowering us to make more informed decisions and navigate the complexities of life and relationships. Hopefully, we are learning to be true to our own selves at the same time.

In my early parenting years I think I focused more on negative consequences, as did my parents, especially my father. Having lost two of his sisters in their teens, he was forever warning me of potential dangers. I still hear him: “Don’t climb trees/the fence/on the hen-house roof; don’t jump out of the tree/off the roof you’ll get hurt.”

It’s obvious why we focus on negative consequences. We don’t want ourselves or others to be hurt. But how do we learn or teach positive consequences? And is ‘consequence’ even the right word here?

Positive Consequences?

The thesaurus has these synonyms for ‘consequence’: aftereffect, aftermath, effect, fallout, issue, reaction, and repercussion.

None of these convey a totally positive image to me. So I asked my AI brainstorming buddy, ChatGPT, for some positive synonyms. The list includes ‘ramification’ and ‘repercussion’, words that still have negative connotations. However, the list also includes empowering words such as: result, outcome, effect, fruit, yield, product, reward, and achievement.

I like to think I focused on positive ‘consequences’ of actions during my early parenting years. One of my favourite family activities was playing at being pixies. The goal of the game was to do something nice for someone without their knowing. My goal for my family was for us all to learn the joy of giving. It gives me great joy in seeing not only my children have this trait, but so do their children.

I wish I’d put more words to the positive consequences I was hoping for them to experience as they were growing up. I don’t remember long discussions. I do remember having fun, though. And that’s the secret, I think. Bring more fun into our daily interactions with those we care about. Enjoy them, give them a sense of your love for them through fun activities.

Trauma

So does trauma come into the equation? Trauma comes from a broad range of experiences, broadly categorised within physical, emotional and psychological events. Some events that cause trauma are: accidents, falls or physical assaults; distressing events including abuse, neglect, or loss of a loved one; and deep emotional scars caused by severe stress through natural disasters, war, or witnessing violence.

Trauma can impact a person’s self-esteem and self-worth, leading to a sense of hopelessness or a belief that they are destined for negative outcomes. In such cases, recognizing the potential consequences of their actions may seem less relevant or achievable. Specialized support and therapeutic interventions may be required to address the emotional wounds caused by trauma, encouraging a healthier perspective on the potential outcomes of actions and choices.

But we aren’t always aware that a traumatic event has occurred in another’s life, or the influence the trauma may have on a person’s ability to navigate consequences. It’s my belief that when taking responsibility and assessing consequences appears difficult for a loved one, we need to look to the possibility of trauma and provide the necessary assistance and guidance for healing and growth. Staying close to a loved one when we might be pushed away is not easy. But we can find ways to let our loved one know we love them and are there for them.

I wish I’d had this understanding years ago, for myself as well as for those I love. I am aware of my own addictions, and the trauma that led to them. I’ve enjoyed these past few years of self discovery and working through some of the unpleasant and traumatic events in my own life. I’m now finding healthier ways of dealing with emotional and psychological upsets without masking the pain with unhealthy substances and practices, as I did before.

And never lose the wonder

​

I’ve written of my love for Waitakaruru Sculpture Park. This chap is always a joy to see as we drive around the bend on our way to our fortnightly care for the rock garden.

I am always amazed at the perception someone had to create this friendly face out of a fallen tree. You come across him from behind as you are walking out of the park. You need to be vigilant and keep your eyes peeled for this and other joyful art work.

There are wonders all around us, we just have to look for them.

Enjoy the next couple of weeks until we connect again.

Much love

Stephanie

A Friendly Reminder

​

On Saturday 13 January 2024 at The Sculpture Park at Waitakaruru Arboretum between 10 am and noon the Writer’s Chat event will be held in the cafe area shown in the photo. I’ll be joined by fellow creatives Phoebe Wilby, my daughter visiting from Ireland, and Bella Hessell, my granddaughter from Waiheke Island. Phoebe is also an author and Bella is an artist and illustrator.

Save the date, for those who are close by. Join me, Phoebe and Bella and enjoy the park at the same time (and morning tea!)

My thought for Living Life in 2023 and beyond:

“Write it on my heart that every day is the best day of the year”Ralph Waldo Emerson

Read past Newsletters and if you enjoy them,

please share with your friends and encourage them to subscribe.

And check out my website:

http://www.StephanieHammondAuthor.com

FOLLOW ME Like, post and comment at any of

the links below. Join my Reader’s Group on Facebook.​

​

Amendment News

and More of the last “C” word

Dear Reader

News: Writer’s Chat at the Sculpture Park – New Date

​

On 13 January 2024 at The Sculpture Park a Waitakaruru Arboretum between 10 am and noon the Writer’s Chat event will be held in the cafe area shown in the photo. I’ll be joined by fellow creatives Phoebe Wilby, my daughter visiting from Ireland, and Bella Hessell, my granddaughter from Waiheke Island. Phoebe is also an author and Bella is an artist and illustrator.

Save the date, for those who are close by. Join me, Phoebe and Bella and enjoy the park at the same time (and morning tea!)

Did you enjoy Vicky Adin’s Newsletter?

If you didn’t subscribe last fortnight, I encourage you to at least check out her latest blog post. I don’t know about you, but I love to learn about life in other times, and Vicky does the research for me!

Check out her blog on Goodreads.

This week’s “C Word” Share

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Ferocious Curiosity

The “C” word in my last newsletter was Curiosity. I briefly mentioned “FEROCIOUS Curiosity”. Today I’ve chosen to focus on this aspect because of two things that I’ve experienced recently. First, a podcast where the interviewee was Gladys McGarey, a 102 year old. Second is our recent trip to Wellington to visit our granddaughters, 7 year-old Charli and 5 year-old Katie (and their parents.)

Meeting through a podca.st

The podcast is called Feel Better, Live More with Dr Rangan Chatterjee. It is on episode #394 that Dr Chatterjee interviews Dr Gladys McGarey. Dr Gladys spoke about her new book: The Well-Lived Life: A 102-year-old Doctor’s Secrets to Health and Happiness at Every Age. The title tells it all. It was a truly wonderful interview and when I grow up, I want to be like Dr Gladys McGarey! https://www.amazon.com.au/Well-Lived-Life-102-Year-Old-Doctors-Happiness/dp/0241613027/ref=monarch_sidesheet

During the interview, I learned that at 102 she is still a consulting doctor – not licensed, but still she can consult with people and other doctors! AND she has a 10-year-plan! Now that’s what I call living!

Although she didn’t say it in these words, one of her secrets to living a long life well, is to have a ferocious curiosity about life. She is always learning, always growing. I love this about her. She wants to know, she researches, she listens, she ponders, she comes up with conclusions, she puts them in to action. And we can do the same. Particularly when we feel stuck in any aspect of our lives, she encourages us to look for a way to help life lead us past those stuck places. Unless we do, we aren’t going to move into a new phase of life. The search, even the acknowledgment that there needs to be change, takes a level of curiosity.

Learning from the grandchildren

Being with Charli and Katie was such a wonderful boost to me and my husband. They are so curious, so excited to learn. They are learning Mandarin! They sing and count in Chinese. I’m impressed at the quality of teaching at their school. But more than that, Charli chose a book from the library because she can learn the Chinese names for common things. She loves books and when she can choose her own to add to their home library, she invariably chooses a non-fiction book.

It’s not just book learning either. We went to gymnastics with them. I was impressed to see how they listened to their coaches and implemented modifications fearlessly and with precision. And Charli sang a song from her kapa haka group and explained the meaning of the actions.

Being with the girls made me wish I had a crystal ball to see where their ferocious curiosity for life and learning will lead them. What I do know is, they will remain excited with life as long as they continue to be curious about life.

So what IS this ferocious curiosity?

Ferocious curiosity isn’t something you’re born with; it’s a trait that’s cultivated through life experiences. It’s that burning desire to learn, explore, and understand the world. Whether it’s about quantum physics, ancient civilizations, or simply how things around the house work, this insatiable hunger for knowledge drives you to seek answers. I love my phone for this. When we’re at the cafe after gym a topic might come up and I love it that I can Google it and discover something new. I’ve recently discovered Google lens and enjoy naming plants I’m unfamiliar with.

It’s a trait to be fostered for life

In a world filled with distractions and quick fixes, ferocious curiosity is a beacon of inspiration and enlightenment. It’s the driving force that propels us forward, allowing us to reach new heights, find unexpected opportunities, and, most importantly, keep the wonder and magic of learning alive in our lives.

So, what are you curious about right now? Embrace your ferocious curiosity, and let it lead you on an adventure of discovery, knowledge, and personal growth. Who knows what incredible opportunities and experiences are waiting for you just around the corner?

And never lose the wonder

We visited the forest near Charli and Katie’s house. Charli encouraged me to look up and the view was begging to be shared. I’m sure you’ll agree this is worth remembering to take the time to take our eyes off the ground in front of us from time to time. There are wonders all around us.

Enjoy the next couple of weeks until we connect again.

Much love

Stephanie

My thought for Living Life in 2023 and beyond:

“Write it on my heart that every day is the best day of the year”Ralph Waldo Emerson

Read past Newsletters and if you enjoy them,

please share with your friends and encourage them to subscribe.

And check out my website:

http://www.StephanieHammondAuthor.com

FOLLOW ME Like, post and comment at any of

the links below. Join my Reader’s Group on Facebook.​

​

Some News, A Newsletter you might like, And another “C” word

Dear Reader

News: Writer’s Chat at the Sculpture Park

​

On 12 November at The Sculpture Park a Waitakaruru Arboretum between 10 am and noon I’ll be joining the Writer’s Chat event being held in the cafe area shown in the photo.

Save the date, for those who are close by. Join me and enjoy the park at the same time (and morning tea!)

A Newsletter I think you will enjoy

My friend and fellow writer, Vicky Adin, has a monthly newsletter that I always look forward to. I think you will enjoy them too.

In her words, her newsletters:

…include a snippet of history, a new word, a recipe, and as much book news as I can cram in – not only mine. Sometimes, you’ll hear about our travels in our caravan or a trip in our vintage car. Other times, I will write about my garden, or places I’ve visited.

This month’s offering piqued my curiosity. I wrote in a recent newsletter of her most recent book about Lucy the Suffragist that highlights the early suffrage movement in New Zealand. This month Vicky has a segment that follows on from women’s universal suffrage being granted in New Zealand in September 1983. The following is an extract from her newsletter. I thought you might be interested in a little more related history Vicky shared.

HISTORY OF THE MONTH ​
Twenty-six years after women win the right to vote,
they win the right to stand for Parliament.
​29 October 1919​

Auckland lawyer Ellen Melville (1882–1946) was the first woman elected to a city council in New Zealand
​Elizabeth McCombs became New Zealand’s first female MP in 1933
​
To celebrate LUCY – Book 3 in The Art of Secrets is on sale for 99c (ebook only)

If you enjoyed this snippet, Click here to go to Vicky’s website to sign up.

Vicky’s Newsletter inspired me to share the following on one of my “C Words”.

This week’s “C Word” Share

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Curiosity

As I promised in the last newsletter, here’s another piece based on my “C” List. This time it’s a topic I’ve long been curious about. There’s a few types of curiosity – for me, I have developed a “ferocious” curiosity over the years. But today it’s a gentler form of curiosity I’m writing about.

Curiosity isn’t just a fleeting moment of fascination with a topic. It’s a steady undercurrent that can profoundly enrich our lives and help us understand and appreciate the choices and actions of others. Curiosity is a quiet but potent force, akin to a gentle breeze that can take us to new horizons of understanding and appreciation.

A Bridge to Empathy:

Curiosity has a remarkable way of building bridges between people. When we’re genuinely curious about someone’s life experiences, beliefs, and perspectives, we invite them to share and, in turn, develop a deeper understanding of their choices and actions. It’s like opening a door to their world, and this gesture of curiosity can lead to more profound connections.

For instance, while living in the USA, I visited a colleague and his family who have a completely different background to mine, following the Jewish faith. He invited me to join him in a Kabballah class. I was curious about Kabballah and decided to go. It was a profound experience, giving me an understanding about their traditions, family values, and the customs that shaped my colleague’s life. This simple act of curiosity not only helped me appreciate his choices and actions but also fostered a deeper understanding of those who follow the Jewish faith. I often think back on that visit and am grateful for the invitation, and that I was willing to get out of my comfort zone and follow my curiosity to gain understanding.

Learning from Others:

Curiosity isn’t just about satisfying our own desire for knowledge; it’s also an opportunity to learn from others. When we seek to understand why people make the choices they do, we often uncover valuable lessons and insights that can help us make more informed decisions in our own lives.

Again when I was living in the USA I was fortunate to attend several conferences and seminars centred around both personal and professional development – subjects I’ve long been curious about. We were encouraged to ask questions and learn to actively listen. These sessions were structured with a strong element of small group work. Through interacting in this way with people with different skills and interests, I discovered valuable strategies and practices that I have been able to adapt in my own personal and professional life. It was the curiosity to understand and learn that lead me to these programmes. The willingness to participate and learn from another person’s choices built on that initial curiosity and allowed me to grow and evolve in a way I never thought of.

Breaking Down Prejudices:

Curiosity is a powerful tool for combating prejudice and stereotypes. When we approach people with a sincere desire to understand them better, it shatters the preconceived notions we might hold. By diving deeper into the ‘why’ behind their actions, we often realize that they have their own unique motivations and struggles, just like we do.

I learned this from an experience I’m not particularly proud to recall. I was spouting off with a group of friends about our friend Josie. Josie was always immaculate – dress, makeup, voice, attitude. This particular day I was saying how I couldn’t understand how she could possibly have been attracted to her husband, Joe. Joe was a scruffy, rough guy. A rough diamond I suppose, but in my judgement there was more ‘rough’ than ‘diamond’. I was in full swing with this opinion when one of the others interrupted and told us something I’ve never forgotten: “I was talking with Joe’s sister the other day, and she said how grateful their family was to Josie. Since Joe married her he had changed out of sight, all for the better.”

Ever since, when I’ve caught myself judging someone, I’ve tried to take a curious stance, genuinely seeking to understand “what makes them tick”. It doesn’t mean I have to condone or even like the person, but it does lead to a more empathetic understanding of another’s choices and actions.

A Lifelong Adventure:

My natural curiosity has taken me around the world. I could write a book about how curiosity has served me in that regard! Hmm. There’s a thought. 😊

But I want to illustrate this concept of a lifelong adventure with an anecdote I’ve often thought about: of an unfulfilled and unmarried woman who helped her family run a boarding house – her job was as a kitchen hand.

She complained that she didn’t have the ability to learn anything to a great educator, or was it a steel magnate (that’s why this is an anecdote. The origin of this story is unclear). The man questioned her about what she did and where she did it. In finding out that she peeled potatoes and onions sitting on the bottom of the kitchen steps he challenged her to find out about the glazed bricks her feet rested on and send him her findings. Weeks later she had researched at the library, visited a brick factory and written her article. The next question she was asked was ‘What is under the bricks?” The result this time was a book length manuscript about the different species and habits of ants! She followed this new-found curiosity and travelled around the world.

This story about being able to develop curiosity highlights that it is not necessarily an innate quality. It’s motivational and inspirational, and reminds me of when the power of being curious was born in me.

I had an amazing teacher. One day when I asked a question the class sniggered at me and I was embarrassed. This teacher said something to the class that has encouraged me all my life: “It’s better to be thought a fool for asking a question than being a fool for not asking.” I could share at least one time remembering this motivated me to risk being thought the fool and the consequences, in a good way, were monumental for me.

​

Curiosity is a lifelong adventure with endless rewards. It’s not a trait that’s reserved for a select few; it’s within each of us, waiting to be nurtured. So let’s not tell that child that seems to only know one word: “WHY?” to shush! That child might be on the verge of the greatest adventure life can unfold for us all.

Curiosity isn’t just about scratching an intellectual itch; it’s a profound tool for enriching our lives and deepening our understanding of others. Whether it’s building connections, learning from different experiences, or breaking down prejudices, curiosity is the beacon that can light the path to a more enriched and empathetic existence. Let’s embark on this journey of exploring the treasure trove of our world with open hearts and curious minds.

There’s a gentle power to curiosity: To Enrich Our Lives and our Understanding of Others.

​

Here in New Zealand it’s spring time and we’ve been enjoying the garden’s showcase of colour. We’ve also enjoyed getting out and planting, tidying up the beds, and weeding out those plants that no longer enjoy the spaces they are in. If instead of spring you’re enjoying your autumn and fall, I know you’ll be doing similar activities! The garden always demands our attention.

Enjoy the next couple of weeks until we connect again.

Much love

Stephanie

Read past Newsletters and if you enjoy them,

please share with your friends and encourage them to subscribe.

And check out my website:

http://www.StephanieHammondAuthor.com

FOLLOW ME Like, post and comment at any of

the links below. Join my Reader’s Group on Facebook.​

​

Another Creative Project?

Dear Reader

News: Following on from An Addict in the Family!

​If you’ve read my memoir you will know how traumatic this experience was for me – not to mention other members of my family. I’ve been sharing my story with lots of people who have similar stories and it’s clear that there are a lot of people still trying to pick up the pieces of their lives long after the initial awareness of the addiction of their loved ones has passed.

I’ve been playing around with a concept of creating a virtual space where we can talk and help each other overcome the pain of those times and achieve a life, the old one or something entirely new, building on common experiences.

Developing this concept will take some time. And resources. My long term intent is that this will become a charity. That’s how strongly I feel the need for this type of space is. More of this aspect to come in the future. Watch this space.

One of the most helpful things my journey has given me is the play on the “C” words – Self CARE is one of them and I’ve focused on that in past newsletters.

I’ve been writing about my C List (not an A List or a B list!) and have decided to provide a link to this new document on my website. I’ll let you know when it’s up. And I’ll send you a copy of it in a future email. If you like it, I’d appreciate it if you share the website link to your friends. In my humble opinion, it is a list of words to find comfort and strength in any of life’s trials.

A “C List” Example

I have about 12 “C” Words in my list. I’ll share them over the next few months, in no particular order of importance. These will form part of that document I refer to above. The first “C Word” is:

Connection

– With Others

When we think of Connection we often think first of that which binds us to one another. We may share a love of dancing, or hiking, or some other physical activity. Family can be another bond – blood is thicker than water type of thinking. Some bonds go back years. Some bonds are forged through shared trials. Bonds have been created with those of the Whanau Group I still attend – our common trial comes through our experiences through our loved one who suffers with addictions. Our connections deepen through our willingness to be honest and vulnrable, sharing our deepest feelings and fears, even owning up to our shortcomings in the way we may have dealt with our loved one’s behaviour.

Connections can arise unexpectedly. I recently felt a connection with a woman on line – I loved her honesty (interesting that it shone through in her comments!) and her authenticity. I was thrilled when she responded to my request to connect outside the forum we ‘met’ on. Now I see we have common interests and values. Whatever our connection, it’s only relevant if we nurture those connections through our actions and communication. Look what I would have missed out on had I let my fear of being rejected stop me from reaching out to her.

Deep connections are those that last. Like me you may have several friends you don’t see very often. I’m always amazed, and grateful, to see how readily we ‘pick up where we left off’, even after months or years of no contact. Newer connections can run deep as well.

It’s wise to be prudent in choosing who we connect with. Undoubtedly, we can all think of unwise choices we, or loved ones, have made in who we’ve chosen to connect with.

This said, it’s important to acknowledge we can’t force a connection., regardless of the common bond. If our desire for connection is not mutual, it’s best to let it go. Of course this can be hard to take, especially if the person is, or has been, close to us. One day, that person we felt an unreciprocated connection with may come back into our circle of their own choice. In the meantime, we can cherish connections that bring joy to our lives, and appreciate the uniqueness of each bond.

– With Ourselves

There’s another Connection we don’t always acknowledge. I used to bemoan the fact that I couldn’t see myself clearly. I could look in the mirror but that wasn’t ‘all’ of me. It was the physical me, but not what made me tick. “I can’t see around corners!” was my cry.

I saw myself mirrored in another’s eyes – their happiness to see me or their hesitation and wariness around me. But what was it about me that caused those reactions? I didn’t know.

Then I heard someone talk about ‘connecting with yourself’. It opened the door to seeing myself more clearly. Deep soul searching followed. Lots of conversations with those open to being honest with me. That wariness I noticed bothered me. My self image was of a kind and generous soul. I was shocked to hear that I was perceived by some as being overly brave, of having a sharp tongue and not being afraid to speak my mind. Apparently, one never knew when I might turn on them.

One event called to mind happened a long time ago. A group of parents and teachers were gathered to discuss the end of year party for our kindergarten aged children. The discussion was heading towards not having the party at the school because alcohol couldn’t be served there. The consensus was that the fathers would not come if they were deprived of their alcohol. I waited for the voices to counter this argument. None came. So I stood up and put forward my view and ended with. “If alcohol is served at the children’s party, my child and our family won’t be coming.” Clear and direct. No holds barred, no room for compromise. And this is what some folk saw in me that made them sometimes wary around me. (By the way, the party was held at the school, no alcohol was served, and the fathers came!)

So although I liked some things I heard about myself, some things I did not. It’s still that way! I’ve modified my delivery, but not my values. And I still ‘enjoy’ learning about me – I want to be the best version of me I can be – and I place a high importance on developing a connection deep enough with myself to know what that authentic version of me is.

In thinking about connecting with myself, I want to know who I am, what I like, what I enjoy, what my boundaries are, what my values are. Having this type of connection determines who I take into my confidence, who I dare be vulnerable with, who I let my guard down with.

– Putting it together

Over the past few years, it’s connection with myself that has been the one I’ve protected the most. I’m not afraid to speak my mind. And I realise I’m not ashamed of or for my son. Quite the contrary. Although he has cut his connection with me, not a day goes by that I don’t think of him and send him my love from my heart.

Now I often think about these two concepts, Connection with others and Connection with self in tandem. I can accept that unless my son wants a connection with me I can’t fulfil my desire for connection with him. However, because I am now more connected with myself, who I am, what my needs and wishes are, what I have to offer and where I am happy to share my resources, I am confident that the door to my heart will always be open to receive him should the desire for connection with me ever rekindle in him.

In embracing the multifaceted nature of connection, I’ve learned that it’s a delicate dance between nurturing bonds with others and forging an unbreakable connection with myself. Through this journey, I’ve come to understand that the desire for connection can’t be forced; it must flow naturally, be reciprocated and genuine. While my heart remains open to rekindling any lost connections, I also celebrate the uniqueness of each bond that currently brings joy and meaning to my life. Ultimately, it’s the intertwining of these two connections – with others and with oneself – that defines our journey and shapes our most authentic selves.

A final thought and request

Have you read An Addict in the Family? If you have, would you please consider leaving an honest review? Reviews help others decide if the book is for them before they decide to purchase.

As I say below, it’s true – reviews are invaluable. They are the life-blood for authors. Your review on Amazon, Goodreads, Google Play Books are all welcome.

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Dear Reader

NEWS, MAKES ME THINK, PROGRESS & RECOMMENDATIONS

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News: An Addict in the Family now on Google Play!

Not wanting to buy on Amazon? Or you already enjoy getting your e-books on Google Play? In their book section you’ll find my memoir! I’m thrilled to see it here and am looking to put it on other e-book platforms. What are your favourites?

And of course you can still buy on Amazon​

What Makes me Think

Reading between the lines

I’m mesmerised by the simplicity and complexity of this sign – in the women’s changing rooms at Les Mills Gym here in Hamilton. The message is clear isn’t it? Be responsible for your own gear while you train. Other places have signs like: “Lock it or Lose it!” Similar message.

But what’s the message between the lines? Can you read it? Can you see there is something more to this sign?

It took me a while, even though I was right in front of it. I read it all, appreciated the double warnings and explanations, and had a good laugh at the wit alongside the importance of the message. Let me share:

WE ARE NOT

your mother, nor are we trained in maximum security, or Masters in the ancient art of gym and g-string management. So please be

RESPONSIBLE

for your own gear. Use the lockers by all means, but please, don’t leave your gear in them overnight because all locks are cut and all lockers are emptied every night. And remember,

FOR THEFT

to take place, items are either left behind, left lying around or not secured, so to ensure no one nabs your favourite undies, lock your things up

WHILE YOU TRAIN

It got me thinking: How I rarely read between the lines of what I see and hear. Particularly of what I see and hear during my interactions with people. Are you like me? Do you also take people at face value? Long ago I declared “I’m not a mind reader”. Meaning, “If you want me to know, please don’t assume I can read your mind. Tell me.”

But lately I’ve taken another point of view. For instance, sometimes I pass an older man walking on the footpath near my place. As is my practice, I say hello and maybe comment on the weather. We’ve had pretty lousy weather lately. The first time I saw him, it was misty and the sun was struggling to come through. I commented that it was going to be a lovely day. He didn’t agree. I pointed to the sun peaking through the clouds. His reply made me laugh: “It’s weak though. Just like the Government!” He was serious, no smiles. I looked at him and wondered what was life like for him that his observations were so pessimistic. One day I’m going to have a long chat with him and find out.

And I wonder about a variety of people I come across. What was her story, the woman asking for change outside the supermarket who hugged me and cried when I gave her the money Neil had slipped me from his wallet. “I’ve been here for ages,” she said, “and you are the first people to give me anything.” It still tugs at my heart – her words, and the fact that Neil carries paper money when all I had then was my card. That’s changed!

Oh so many stories people have and hide behind a neutral, or even laughing, exterior. If you are in pain, or are feeling joy, or in between, I know I may not read you correctly.

However, I hope you see me seeing you with love and respect for who you are. To paraphrase the Les Mills sign:

It’s so easy to just read the words in bold. But can you read between the lines? For clarity, I’ve printed them out below.

I AM NOT

able to soften the blows life puts in your path and I may not be

RESPONSIBLE FOR

what today has brought you that may have disturbed

YOUR LIFE

But I do hope the smile and words I give you from my heart as we pass each other by will somehow improve your

AND WELLBEING

Does this make you think too? Of situations where you missed reading between the lines? Or where someone else missed your messages that you were longing to be noticed? This latter really resonates with me. Hit reply and let me know. I’d love to hear. Or join the FaceBook group Stephanie Hammond’s Reader Group here and share there.

BLOGGERS & THEIR WISDOM

A little more about procrastination

I think I mentioned Graham Mann’s Newsletter before. This week he’s talked about changing your environment to kickstart a change in yourself. ie stop procrastinating. I know I work better when I move away from my desk – go to the coffee shop, or sit in the sunshine. I think you’d enjoy reading his post.

Do you need permission to fail?

I love sharing other people’s insights – ones I learn a lot from. This is another of Phoebe Wilby’s posts – I see my own failings in her comments and was heartened by her final comments. I’m sure you’ll enjoy it too.

Second Memoir Update

It’s progress! Chapter One is drafted! I’m still excited. Nervous – though I keep telling myself that I don’t have to publish it! I just want to tell it how it was for me. I’ve decided to write about my life in ways people have been telling me for years that they’d like me to share. I’ll be talking more about it in my Facebook Readers Group and asking for your opinions there. And there’ll be an opportunity for Beta readers. So if this interests you too, click the link and join me there.

Reviews are invaluable to authors

especially on Amazon and Goodreads

A star rating is worth gold and if you write a few words as well, it’s priceless. Thank you

Read past Newsletters​

And check out my website

http://www.StephanieHammondAuthor.com

FOLLOW ME Like, post and comment at any of

the links below. Join my Reader’s Group on Facebook.​

​